Turning Towards, Not Away
Today is Part 3 in a 7-Part Series
7 Secrets That Transform Relationships
Backed by Psychology. Rooted in Scripture. Built to Last.
The small moments you think don’t matter are shaping your relationship
There is a moment - quiet, almost invisible, that steers the course of every relationship.
It isn’t found in grand declarations or high-stakes arguments.
It happens in the small, ordinary spaces: unloading the dishwasher, scrolling your phone while someone sits beside you, driving in silence, passing each other in a hallway.
It’s the split-second decision:
Will I move toward you, or away?
I have come to believe these in-between moments shape everything.
The real turning point in most relationships isn’t a betrayal or a breakthrough.
It’s the slow, almost imperceptible habit of turning away.
The Tension Point
Honestly, we rarely feel like turning toward.
We are tired, distracted, frustrated, absorbed in our own thoughts.
The moment may not feel significant. Our partner may not feel particularly lovable.
But it is precisely in these unspectacular moments that the sacred work of love happens.
When I sit with couples, I don’t ask, “Do you still love each other?”
I ask, “When was the last time you chose each other in a small moment?”
Because love isn’t sustained by sentiment.
Love is sustained by attention.
And attention is a muscle: strengthened with use or lost to neglect.
Why We Turn Away
Sometimes, turning away is unintentional.
We are overwhelmed, numb, or simply not paying attention.
Other times, it’s intentional, a subtle form of protest.
A quiet self-defense that says, “I won’t lean in until you do.”
I understand that impulse.
I’ve counseled couples who have spent years in that silent standoff, each waiting, each longing, each hurting.
The tragedy is that both partners are hoping for connection, while slowly drifting further apart.
The Gospel Moves First
In Romans 5:8, Paul writes,
“While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
He didn’t wait for us to clean up or move first.
He moved toward us in our brokenness, initiating grace when we least deserved it.
Turning toward your partner, especially when it costs you something, is not just good relational advice—it is a living reflection of the Gospel.
It is an act of covenant love.
A decision to mirror the heart of Christ: to move first, to reach out without waiting to be repaid.
The Myth of the Perfect Moment
One of the great lies of modern love is that connection must feel magical.
That someday, the “perfect” moment will arrive and intimacy will bloom without effort.
But real connection isn’t stumbled upon. It is built, brick by brick, in the messy, unremarkable moments of daily life.
Choosing to turn toward someone because it matters, not because it feels good, is how intimacy is forged.
A Story from the Couch
I once sat across from a man who said,
“I didn’t realize how many times I had looked away until it was too late. My wife had been reaching for me in a hundred small ways. I was always too busy, too tired, too distracted. Now, I respond to her silence, and it’s deafening.”
His story isn’t rare.
But it isn’t inevitable.
The beauty of human hearts, and the resilience of grace, is that we can begin again.
Even if you have spent years turning away, you can start turning toward today.
Imperfectly. Inconsistently. But truly.
And it will change the climate of your relationship.
An Invitation to Go Deeper
This is Part three of our 7-part series exploring the habits that nurture emotional connection. Each habit is rooted in scientific research, shaped by Scripture, and powered by grace.
To help you begin this journey, we’ve created a Turning Toward, Not Away Worksheet—a thoughtful, guided exercise to help couples rediscover one another in meaningful ways.
For free companion workbook
A Practice Worth Trying
This week, pay attention to one thing: your impulse.
When your partner speaks, sighs, reaches out, or simply enters the room, notice.
Notice whether your instinct is to turn away, stay passive, or move closer.
Then, gently push against the pull of distraction.
Turn.
You don’t need perfect words.
A glance, a nod, an open-ended “Tell me more” is enough.
It isn’t performance. It’s presence.
Final Thought
If you are waiting for the perfect moment to reconnect, it won’t come.
Love is built in the messy, mundane, easily missed moments.
That’s what makes it holy.
So today … turn.
Even if it’s awkward. Even if it’s late. Even if you are the only one moving.
Because every small turn tells the story of grace all over again.
And sometimes, the quiet choice to turn toward a person is the loudest way to say, “I’m still here. And I’m still choosing you.”
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