When Praise Feels Hard
Admiration Rekindles Emotional Intimacy
Today is Part 2 in a 7-Part Series
7 Secrets That Transform Relationships
Backed by Psychology. Rooted in Scripture. Built to Last.
As a therapist, I’ve sat with countless couples over the years. Some come in heartbroken, others just… tired. But there’s one couple I still think about often, let’s call them Aaron and Lisa.
They were 14 years into marriage, successful in their careers, raising three kids, and, in their words, “coexisting.” No infidelity. No betrayal. Just a slow erosion of tenderness.
When I asked what drew them to each other in the beginning, Aaron went silent. Lisa looked down.
And then, with a cracked voice, she said, “I used to light up when he walked into a room.” That line stayed with me.
Because it captured something I’ve seen over and over: not relationships collapsing from catastrophe, but drifting into emotional disconnection because admiration was neglected.
Fondness and Admiration: More Than Compliments
In Gottman therapy, we talk about fondness and admiration as foundational to lasting love. They aren’t sentimental extras; they’re core pillars of emotional trust. And according to decades of research, they’re also among the first things to fade when couples enter chronic stress or busyness.
Dr. John Gottman found that healthy couples maintain something called positive sentiment override—a dynamic where the emotional “bank account” stays full enough to buffer mistakes, misunderstandings, and even conflict.
Couples with positive sentiment override tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. They’re slower to react harshly. They interpret tone and behavior more graciously. And it all starts with something simple and sacred: noticing what is still good.
What Happens When We Stop Noticing?
In Aaron and Lisa’s case, they were kind people. Faithful. Hardworking. But they had stopped naming what they appreciated about each other. Not because they didn’t feel it, but because life got noisy, and the habit faded.
“I just assumed he knew I admired him,” Lisa said.
“I didn’t want to be fake,” Aaron added. “We’ve been tense—I thought it would feel forced.”
This is a common roadblock. Many couples stop expressing appreciation because they’re waiting for it to feel natural. But in therapy—and in faith—we know that truth often needs practice before it feels easy.
Scripture and Psychology Agree
What You Speak, You Strengthen. The Bible is clear about the power of words:
“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” —Proverbs 16:24
“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification.” —Ephesians 4:29
When we affirm something true in our spouse, we aren’t just being polite. We are building identity, restoring trust, and reconnecting hearts.
And brain science supports this. When we speak or receive admiration, our nervous system releases oxytocin and dopamine—the very chemicals that make us feel safe, seen, and bonded.
Small Steps That Shift Everything
In our work together, I gave Aaron and Lisa what I call the Daily Admiration Practice—one genuine statement of appreciation, every day, no matter how small. They started with things like:
“Thank you for always making the kids laugh.”
“You’ve stayed so steady during this tough season.”
“I noticed you were gentle with me yesterday. That mattered.”
At first, it felt awkward. But two weeks in, Lisa said something that marked a turning point: “I
forgot how much I admire him. Saying it out loud reminded me.”
That’s the beauty of this habit. Speaking admiration often awakens it.
When Admiration Feels Impossible
I know some couples reading this are in deeper waters. Maybe resentment has built up. Maybe it feels like there’s nothing left to praise. If that’s you, hear this: You don’t have to feel fondness to begin practicing it.
Start with something you can genuinely respect. Their commitment. Their endurance. Their effort to keep going, even if imperfectly.
Gottman’s research—and my experience—show that even the smallest gesture of genuine affirmation can start to melt the emotional freeze.
A Spiritual Practice, Not Just a Marital One
Admiration is more than a relationship tool. It’s a spiritual formation practice.
God calls what is good and beautiful in us before we fully live into it. Jesus did it with Peter, calling him “rock” while he was still impulsive. He did it with the woman at the well, affirming her honesty while others only saw scandal.
As spouses, we get to mirror this divine posture: naming what is true, even in process.
A Gentle Invitation
If you’re in a season where admiration feels absent, I invite you to begin again—not with fireworks, but with one small act of attention.
What do you see in your spouse that you’ve forgotten to say out loud?
Say it today. Not for performance. But for connection.
Because in a world that tears down, your words can become sacred ground your spouse returns to for safety and hope.
Coming Up Next…
This is Part 2 of our 7-part series exploring habits that nurture emotional connection, habits rooted in psychology, shaped by Scripture, and made real through grace.
To go deeper, download our Fondness & Admiration Practice Guide, a daily tool to help you speak life, rebuild trust, and strengthen emotional intimacy one word at a time.
[Click here for the workbook on how to create fondness and admiration in your marriage]
Explore more free resources at Truth Fusion, and subscribe for new articles, trainings, and tools.
Join the Community
Together, we can bring healing and hope to individuals and communities, restoring lives, renewing minds, and shining light into the darkest places.
Sign up for our Newsletter and be the first to learn about new initiatives by Truth Fusion and how you can become part of this life-changing mission.
